If I had to describe myself and my approach to life I would have to say that I am a very reflective person. I think a lot – about who I am as a person, and who I am becoming. I think about my life, and about what impact my life has on those around me, and what kind of impact I want my life to have. I think about the past – sometimes re-living things, sometimes regretting things and sometimes trying to remember the lessons I learned. I think a lot about the future too – my hopes, my dreams for myself and for my family. I struggle with “today” – I don’t immerse myself enough in the present, and in the moment.
I tend to be methodical, meticulous, analytical. I like structure, I like planning – the unexpected scares me. My husband and friends say I tend to overthink things. I love to learn, to explore, to push my boundaries. At the same time though, I have very high expectations of myself. In fact, I expect perfection – each and every time. Sometimes these perfectionist tendencies paralyze me and keep me from even starting. Other times, I give myself over to the experience. It’s always a fine balance. Sometimes I am accepting of myself, my foibles, my mistakes, but too often (according to my husband), I am too hard on myself.
Sometimes I am brimming with self-confidence, other times I care too much about what other people think, and I let that influence how I feel – about myself and about my life.
As I read over and reflect on what I’m writing, I feel a bit like a teeter-totter. I can see that on the one hand, many of my qualities have helped me me get to where I am now in life. On the other hand, these exact same qualities have hindered me and kept me from living my best and most abundant life as well.
Somehow, I expected that at 41 I would be more….sure. In grade school, in high school, in University/College I would often think and talk about what I wanted to be “when I grow I up”. The crazy thing is that I’m still asking myself that same question. I still feel like I’m not “there”, wherever “there” is.
That’s where art has been playing such a huge role in my life. I started exploring mixed media and art journaling 3 years ago, quite by accident actually, I signed up for a workshop with Donna Downey – not really knowing what I was getting myself into. It was completely unexpected – not what I had envisioned at all. It was intimidating, but it was also exhilarating…and I’ve never looked back. Like a caterpillar that slowly morphs into a butterfly, I have found that creative discovery through art is helping me shape myself into the person I want to be. Like the process of metamorphosis, it’s slow. And often hard. And I don’t know what kind of butterfly I will be, but I know I will someday be a beautiful one. If anything I shared today resonates with you, then I invite you to join in my journey as I begin sharing my thoughts, my processes, my learning, my mistakes, my life.